Don’t Do That, It’s Disgusting: How Not to Handle That Awkward Moment

This is not an article where I am going to tell you that all parenting choices are personal. I will not humor your misconceptions or protect your feelings. There are things that are objectively wrong to do as a parent. If you are offended that I have attacked one of your parenting choices than by all means do make a change. We can all stand to be a little better.

My co-worker, who is roughly my age, has a child who is six months younger than mine. Because of this she routinely approaches me to ask for advice as I experience, and work through, many of the common milestones before her. We both have little girls who are well behaved, adorable, and toddlers.

My co-worker asked me to stay on a zoom call after our daily nine o’clock meeting because they wanted to know how to handle a situation. While I put my child in daycare during the workday they have a lot of help from family located close by. This has been a blessing to them as the saying “it takes a village to raise a child” has never not been true no matter how often the village forgets it. However the night before my co-worker had witnessed something that upset them but they didn’t know how to express why and, more importantly, they didn’t know how to make it right and prevent it from happening again.

While hanging up laundry in their kid’s bedroom during their lunch break (work from home is nice) my co-worker overheard their mother say a sentence that appeared innocent at first listen: “Don’t do that, it’s disgusting.” Like any parent who has grown desensitized to the gross things their child does my co-worker laughed and asked what her daughter had done to provoke such a response.

“She was touching herself in the naughty place while I changed her,” said the grandmother

I want to be perfectly clear here and I choose these words knowing the weight they carry: this is child abuse. Body exploration is a natural and healthy part of child development and to tell your child that it is wrong, bad, disgusting or any other adjective of that nature is abusive. Never should you shame your child for exploring their body; not when they are two nor when they are eight, twelve or sixteen. Likewise this strange insistence people have that one must attach negative words to genitalia must stop. They aren’t your “naughty-bits,” or your “no-no parts.” They are a part of your body and that. is. it.

How to manage the kid

Look, no one likes looking down at their child and seeing that child playing with themselves while making uncomfortable eye-contact. I get it. What if I told you that the reason they make that eye-contact is because they aren’t sure if what they are doing is okay and how you react is going to shade further interactions with their bodies. Consider that, put on a smile and offer a distraction. Don’t tell them to stop, don’t shame them, don’t imply that what they are doing is wrong. Ask them if you can finish putting on the diaper. Tell them about the exciting thing they get to do once they are done. Start a game of peek-a-boo. Attempt to move their actions onto something else. But don’t, for their sake, make them feel bad about what they are doing. Our jobs as parents are to lead and inform no matter how uncomfortable that may make us at times.

How to manage the grandmother

If I am being honest this part is where I feel like I am least able to give advice. Everyone has a different relationship with their friends and family and no stranger on the internet can tell you have to navigate those relationships. The best thing you can hope to do is approach the topic from a place of understanding and empathy and aim to educate not chastise. I guess my best suggestion is to give them this article since that’s what I would do.